Most neurodivergent people learn to mask long before they ever understand the word. It isn’t something they choose consciously, it’s something the world teaches them to do. A raised eyebrow, a confused look, a teacher saying “try harder,” a workplace expecting constant eye contact, a classroom that punishes fidgeting, all of these small social pressures quietly shape behaviour.
The Hidden Skill That Leads to Exhaustion, Misdiagnosis and Late Recognition
Masking is a survival strategy. A way of blending in, smoothing out edges, hiding discomfort, and trying to operate at the pace that everyone else seems able to maintain. But masking is also the reason so many people reach adulthood without realising they have ADHD, Autism, or both. It’s how they go unnoticed, misunderstood or mislabelled for years.
When masking becomes automatic, it can delay diagnosis, erode confidence, and eventually lead to burnout. And for many people we speak to at Enlightened Minds, unmasking is often the first time they feel like they’re allowed to exist as themselves.
What Masking Looks Like in Autism
Autistic masking is often a complex internal choreography. It’s copying the behaviour of others, holding in sensory discomfort, rehearsing social scripts, managing facial expressions, trying to appear “calm” when your body is overloaded, and pretending the world isn’t as loud or unpredictable as it feels.
People describe it as:
“Acting like a version of myself that other people can handle.”
“Playing back learned behaviours instead of responding naturally.”
“Smiling while my whole body feels like it’s shutting down.”
Autistic masking takes enormous energy. It can make someone look socially confident, organised, or calm from the outside while internally they are monitoring every gesture, tone of voice, and sensory input. Over time, this effort builds into chronic fatigue and burnout.
Masking is often strongest in women, AFAB individuals and quieter autistic people who were raised to “be polite,” “fit in,” and “not make a fuss.” These are the groups most likely to receive a diagnosis later in life.
What Masking Looks Like in ADHD
ADHD masking is different. It’s the constant effort to appear “together,” “focused,” or “reliable” even when the mind is doing something completely different.
It can look like:
Laughing to hide the fact you missed half the conversation
Nodding at instructions you didn’t fully process
Staying late to finish work others assume you completed earlier
Hiding fidgeting or restlessness
Over-apologising to compensate for forgetfulness
Becoming the “funny one,” the “high achiever,” or the “quiet one” to avoid attention
Many people with ADHD mask by building whole identities around their strengths so the struggles stay out of sight. Some become perfectionists. Others become people-pleasers. Some turn themselves into entertainers or high performers so nobody sees the chaos happening underneath.
ADHD masking usually comes from years of being told to “try harder,” “pay attention,” or “stop being difficult.” Eventually, masking becomes a habit, not to fit in socially, but to avoid shame.
Why Masking Leads to Late Diagnosis
Masking hides the truth from everyone, including the person doing it.
Teachers often say:
“He can’t have Autism, he makes eye contact.”
“She can’t have ADHD, she gets good grades.”
Employers often say:
“They seem fine in meetings.”
“They’re just stressed.”
Friends may think:
“You’re so social – how could you be autistic?”
“You’re so intelligent – how could you have ADHD?”
Masking creates a polished surface that others mistake for ability. Meanwhile the person beneath it is slipping into burnout, feeling misunderstood, or losing the ability to cope. Many of the late-diagnosed adults we meet say masking made them feel “invisible” or “like a ghost in their own life.”
The Emotional Cost of Masking
Masking doesn’t just drain energy, it erodes identity.
People describe:
Losing touch with their real likes and dislikes
Confusing their mask with their personality
Feeling detached from themselves
Struggling to rest because they don’t know how to “switch off”
Anxiety or panic when the mask slips
Feeling unsafe being authentic.
Masking also delays support. If nobody sees the struggle, nobody offers help. And without help, masking becomes heavier and heavier until the body breaks down, often in the form of burnout, withdrawal, shutdown, or emotional overwhelm.
The Four Hidden Masking Styles (A Modern Insight)
In clinical work, we often see four quiet forms of masking that don’t appear in textbooks but shape everyday life:
1. Social Camouflage
Appearing socially skilled by copying, scripting or mirroring those around you. People think you’re “fine” socially even when it’s costing immense energy.
2. Competency Masking
Appearing capable by working twice as hard behind the scenes. High grades, good performance reviews, perfectionism are all built on unsustainable effort.
3. Emotional Smoothing
Hiding distress, sensory overload or frustration to avoid judgment or conflict. Looks like calmness on the outside, spiralling inside.
4. Productivity Performance
Pretending to be organised or productive while compensating heavily in private. Can show up as staying late, working extra hours or masking disorganisation with charm or humour.
These four styles often overlap and many people use all of them.
Why Unmasking Feels Both Scary and Necessary
When someone begins to unmask, they often feel exposed, emotional, or unsure how to be around others. Years of performing a version of themselves get peeled back, sometimes painfully.
What Unmasking Quietly Gives Back
Unmasking can feel unsettling at first, especially after years, sometimes decades of presenting a version
of yourself that made life easier for others. But as the layers begin to fall away, something important
happens. People often describe a slow return to themselves, a kind of softening in the nervous system,
and a steadier way of moving through the world.
Clarity – a clearer sense of what feels right, what feels wrong, and what was never yours to carry.
Relief – the physical and emotional lightness that comes from no longer maintaining a constant performance.
More stable energy – fewer crashes, less tension, and a nervous system that doesn’t feel
permanently braced for impact.
More honest communication – conversations that no longer rely on scripts or second-guessing,
but on expressing what you genuinely feel.
A sense of belonging in your own body – that quiet, grounding moment when you realise
you no longer need permission to be who you are.
Unmasking doesn’t mean dropping every coping strategy. It means dropping the ones that hurt you. The goal isn’t to stop masking entirely, it’s to mask intentionally, not automatically, and only when it genuinely serves your wellbeing.
Masking and Burnout
The Link Nobody Talks About
Autistic burnout and ADHD burnout often come after years of masking.
The body can only keep up the performance for so long.
When someone begins unmasking, burnout often softens. Energy slowly returns. Stress drops. Sensory overload reduces. Executive function improves. The nervous system finally gets permission to stop fighting the world.
Many adults describe unmasking as the moment they finally understood themselves, sometimes for the first time in decades.
When Masking Means It’s Time for an Assessment
Masking becomes a diagnostic red flag when:
You can pass as “fine” but collapse at home
You need days to recover from ordinary interactions
You’re exhausted by basic social expectations
You’ve built your entire personality around coping
You’ve always felt “different” but don’t know why
Burnout keeps returning
You feel like you’re living two separate lives.
If any of these resonate, it may be worth exploring ADHD, Autism or the overlap through a thorough, compassionate assessment. For many people, diagnosis is not a labe, it’s the key that unlocks understanding, adjustments and a more authentic way of living.
Personal Thought From Gemma Holmes
Masking is a skill you learned to survive, not a flaw in your personality. And you don’t have to carry it forever.
When people understand the reason behind their masking, they finally get permission to be themselves and that changes everything.